Work vs. Fun

It's been awhile since I have written. It has been awhile since I have written creatively or in a journal-way. I can't quite seem to relax anymore. I do work and I feel tense. I do fun things and I feel tense. I sleep and I feel tense. It seems like I am working really hard to push back at the lifestyle I have created for myself at Towson, and I am making progress very slowly, but it's hard to never be on solid ground, to always be changing my perceptions of my own life. In High School, there was structure, which made things easier. You had to get up early and do all these classes you didn't want to, you looked forward to getting out and you wanted to do fun things. In college classes are all throughout the day, you can sleep in and do so many things before even going to class that each day has such a mixed up feeling. I might do URG stuff all morning and then go to class, and then do more URG stuff or homework, and there is no natural end to my responsibilities of the day. I try so hard to stop myself from doing stuff so I can relax, but when I have been doing that recently I haven't felt like the fun stuff has rejuvenated me at all. So I do work to catch up, hoping that will make me feel more relaxed, and that doesn't really work either. I seem to only be able to relax on the weekend, but it's not like I'm getting tons of things done during the week either. I am behind in all my classes and just don't care about them, and on most days I am ready to hand over URG, but I have not completed all the necessary things to do so. I am going to New Orleans in a week and a half and I am not even excited. I have about 2 months of undergrad left and I don't want to spend it in limbo, not accomplishing things and not having fun. 

Only Time

Every day I feel more and more like the person I used to be, or at least like the person I remember being. In any case, I feel life so much more than I have the past couple years. I have found ways to get through my mental and emotional challenges and I feel great. I am shedding off the shit that has held me back, I'm leading a healthier lifestyle, I'm taking time to have fun again for the first time in a long time, and the results are great. I am making decisions purely for me, and not doing things because I feel like I should. All of these things, as good as they are for me, I see are also improving our relationship. We want to talk when we do, because we don't feel obligated. I don't feel as much frustration or bitterness with you for everything that happened. We are both more relaxed and laid back, and I think we both see in each other the things that attracted us to each other so strongly so many years ago. But things aren't perfect. I still get so frustrated with you at times, and I don't know if it is still deep rooted pain, if it's the distance, the phone, you, me--I don't know what it is. I think I am progressing so much in finding myself that maybe I am becoming too "me-centric"? But I only notice that when I'm talking to you, so what does that mean? Do you make me act that way, or do I just lower my guard with you so it is brought out of me? We are both drawn to each other by powerful forces, and neither of us are in any rush to talk about things or define things, and you know, I think a rut or a grace period of separation like this is probably the only way a situation like ours could work out. But we don't know if this is going to work out, do we? And I have no idea how you see me anymore. It seems pretty obvious that you feel more than friendship than me, but am I just reading into things? I just want to get back to me, have fun this semester, get to know you again, and be able to objectively see the things in you that attract me without my feelings for you getting in the way. I need to fall in love with you again if this is ever going to work, and though that seems more possible today than even a couple weeks ago, it still seems far off. I guess all we have on our side is forgiveness, and time.

Disconnected

I find you so frustrating. Why do you always have such an attitude on the phone? Why is it that I never feel comfortable talking to you on the phone? I'm always on guard, waiting for the huff or puff or the annoyed"yeah"or "ok" that lets me know I've said too much, I'm talking too much, it's your turn, you don't want to hear my opinions or voice anymore. You say what you want, and then you get off the phone. You leave no time for real conversations. You want the quick, to-do list of a conversation, and then off you go. I have even been conditioned enough to know now that bringing up issues about you is not the way to go, because you never want to deal with them, you never want to hear my problems with you, because you refuse to see yourself as wrong, you never apologize, and you see every time I have a problem with you as an attack on your person. I hate the fucking phone Melissa, especially when I'm talking to you when you're at school, and especially now, this semester, this month, this year, when your attitude is impegable and your feelings are even more contrary. We don't "talk" like friends or lovers or anything. I don't open up because I always feel like I need to shorten what I want to say, and I don't want to! I want to explore the ideas I talk about through talking about them, and if you don't want to do that, then we shouldn't talk, including the to-do conversations, because who really wants to get on the phone every day to tell someone who won't admit they love them 5 hours away what class they are going to next or what they had for lunch when they can't even rely on the person to be there for them when they really need them. Our relationship is a joke, our friendship is nonexistent. We are coexisting now until you are willing to admit your love for me and grow the balls to do something about it, until you find someone else to fuck around with, or until I'm finally able to find someone else I can love. I am still bitter and frustrated, and I am getting over it, but when you act the way you do, you don't make me want to get to know you again, to let go of my anger, because you don't remind me of anyone I used to love. My head is full of images of a love affair I had with a person that no longer exists, or allows herself to be seen. I want that girl back, because I still love her and want to spend my days singing her songs and making love to her in the morning before work, but you're not that girl, and I don't know if you are going to become that girl again, or if she's gone forever. 

Yesterday

A girl I know from building council revealed a very interesting fact about herself yesterday: she travels the country two weekends a month selling teddy bears, specifically dancer teddy bears (I'm pretty sure that is what she said). She gets on a plane on Friday and flies all up and down the Eastern seaboard selling these bears. She said it's good money. I think it would have been a more believable story if she told me she was a stewardess. 

A True Character

I don't intend on being one of those people that "blogs" everything they do and see, but I just witnessed one of the coolest things I have ever seen. A few moments ago I meant a kid in my apartment building that builds his own life size game show sets. Currently, a Wheel of Fortune wheel is completely covering his kitchen table. The part of the set where the words appear is about 10 feet long and has rotating letter triangles. Both the letter part and wheel have lights. The production value of these sets is unbelievable. Additionally, he has a black box with a slot for each letter of the alphabet with multiple copies of each letter in each slot, accessible for easy game play. If this wasn't cool enough, he also had a Pyramid game set and an "in construction" Family Feud set in his living room. I felt like I was in a screwball comedy or an indie film with quirky characters and I wandered into an old, creepy, virgin's house that is filled with old game show sets. It was almost too cool to believe. I plan on trying out his Wheel of Fortune set ASAP.

Hello

This is my first post of my first blog. I don't really have a theme for this blog, I'm just going to write about what I feel like writing about. Expect posts about: school, fear of the future, relationships, movies, politics, sexuality, writing, student involvement, and lots of disparate thoughts. Enjoy.