I am trying to write more creatively because I feel the need to, the urge to, the calling to, but also because it makes me feel better. Though I never seem to do it very long before I give up on myself or get frustrated because my ideas don't seem original or I always end up writing about love, sex, intimacy, relationships, etc. Not that this is a bad thing, because I think I have had some success writing about this issue, but I don't want to be seen as someone with one trick up my sleeve, plus I am kind of getting bored with writing about the same thing, but it comes so easily to me and it seems like I have more insight on the topic of relationships than anything else.
Things with Melissa are progressing. My life right now is changing and transitioning so much that it is hard to not be overwhelmed, especially considering I have way too much time to sit around and think about it all. I love Melissa, and I honestly see myself with her forever. I see her as the mother of my child, as my soulmate. But it's hard because I have been hurt, because I have had to be strong and independent and put away emotions, and because for at least one more year we are going to be very far away from each other, even farther than the last couple years. Most days I feel like I can do it, because I will be so immersed with school I won't have time to worry about it, and besides, the hook up culture grosses me out. But other days, I worry I won't be able to handle the distance, that it will be distracting and the phone will cause us to fight, and my need for physical intimacy will go unmet, and make me consider breaking up with her or taking a break. I really don't have any solid ideas as what to do right now, but I don't really have anyone to talk to about this, or at least anyone I want to talk to about this, so I am writing it here to work it out. I need physical activity, sexual activity in my life, but I know without intimacy it is nowhere near as fulfilling, even when it might seem like it is going to be really good because the girl is very attractive and I am very desperate. But still, as unfulfilling as it may be, having someone or the ability to bring someone home in NYC seems exciting and sexy, and could be very fun and a great form or stress relief. But I don't want to cut Melissa out of my life, that makes me really sad to even think about, but I can't drag her along either. Plus, I hate thinking about her with anyone else. Whenever she is with someone else, it sticks with me for a long time, and most of the time I feel like I will never shed the pain of knowing she has been with other boys. I worry sometimes the only way I will feel better about it is to be with other girls, to be in another relationship, but I don't know if I want that. Life is messy, and it seems like maybe it just can't work out cleanly like we think it should. If I leave Melissa now to date others to ensure I am ready for Melissa, I might lose her forever. If I be with her now and I'm not ready, we'll both be unhappy and ruin a possibly perfect thing. But maybe life is just compromise. Really thinking through my options, desires, and fears. What do I want vs. what did she do vs. what do I think I want vs. what do I fear? I mean, when you have someone you know you love and want to have children with, is it even sane to consider pushing her away for the possibility of a couple hand jobs from some NYU chicks?
